Backpage | Hook up: The Aftermath

Molly Finkelstein Backpage Editor

What he tells his friends...

He: Yo bro, I had the craziest night.
Ze: Oh yeah? What happened? Did you get with that girl I saw you talking to?
He: Yeah...I mean, no, not that girl. Her roommate. Yeah, I hit that. That girl is a mess on the street and a freak in the sheets...and a mess too.
Ze: What kind of mess?
He: So first, I took her up to my room to show her ma shit and then this ho gets all crazy and tears off all her clothes and says “just do me.” So I did.
Ze: Ballin’.
He: Then we did the Jane Fonda, you know going through all the positions. We got up to the Flying Dutchman and shit, she squirted all over the bed. It was totally that female ejaculatory shit, you know like they said in the Misc. She was squirtin’ like the Trevi Fountain, man. The sheets were still covered in it in the morning, so I supermanned her with her own ejaculate—it’s feminist and equalized that way, so it makes it okay.
Ze: Wow.
He: She was saying all this crazy shit, too, while we were going at it, like, “Fuck me like the Romans do,” and “Helen of Troy will sink your ship.” I guess she’s a classics major.
Ze: So, are you gonna call her?
He: I didn’t get her number. I guess I can Facebook-friend her. Or better yet, wait for her to friend me.

What she tells her friends...

Ze: So, how was your night?
She: It was kinda...interesting
Ze: Yeah, where’d you go? I couldn’t find you.
She: Yeah...I kind of maybe hooked up with Hot Quidditch Guy from Poli Sci.
Ze: Awesome. How did it happen??
She: Well, it was really late and I was drunk and by then the shuttle had stopped running and he asked me if I wanted to see his ’80s post-punk post-modern record collection so I was like “k, fine, sure, whatever.” So, we went up to his room and then he just took all his clothes off and I was like “um, what” but then, I was like “k, whatever.” And then, he had like a huge boner and said, “So, what we gonna do about this?”
Ze: Whatttt?
She: Yeah, so then we had sex and he kept saying the funniest stuff. He was like, “I could make love to you all night...if I didn’t have asthma” and then he whipped out his inhaler, took a puff, and kept going. And I was like, “Wow, really? You’re looking for love too?” and then he stared into my eyes and I took his silence as a yes. And then he said, “Where we’re going, we don’t need roads.” Isn’t that sweet, but also kinda creepy?
Ze: Um...yeah uh huh.
She: So then I did something kind of embarassing. I’m not positive, but I think I peed the bed.
Ze: Oh my god, what’d you do?
She: Well, when I woke up in the morning I put on my dry clothes and poured beer on his boxers. When he woke up he was like, “Oh shit, this hasn’t happened since freshman year.” Then I bounced. I wonder if he’ll call me.

What everyone else is saying...

“I heard he told her, ‘Nice titties, but ya gots to go,’ and then she left.”

“There was a crowd of people standing outside his room, and when it was over they applauded.”

“He convinced her to become a religion major while they were doing it. I saw her at the Registrar the Monday after.”

“The people in the hall heard her yell ‘Pound me harder!’ and then when it was it over they heard him say the same thing.”

“My friend saw her in Baldwin the next day, and she was totally getting Plan B—the condom broke because it was too big for his penis.”

“I heard she got pregnant because the condom slipped off because he was too small to fit in it and the baby is going to live in SoCo 10 and she has to move to the annex in Joss.”

“I heard she supermanned him with female ejaculation.”

“They totally ended up in the back of a truck on the side of the highway and they did it there and then got arrested, and they didn’t have clothes so their mug shots are naked.”