Backpage | Overheard at Freshman Parents Weekend

Molly Finkelstein Backpage Editor

Mom: Honey, are you wearing foundation?
Freshman boy: Uh...no.
Mom: Oh my god, it’s a hickey!
[Mom grabs son’s neck]
Mom: Come here, Bob, our’s son’s got a hickey!
Dad: Congratulations, son. Do we get to meet the lucky lady?
Freshman boy: Uh...um...
—Cushing

Alumna mom: Oh honey, look! No, over there, at that tree! The sex tree. That’s where I lost my virginity!
Daughter: Gross, Mom. What, are you gonna tell me, I was conceived under that tree too?
Alumna mom: Of course not. It was with a woman. Those were my experimental days.
Daughter: Ew, please stop talking now.
Alumna mom: You only got into this school because I went here, you know. And your father and I donated $15 million, so I don’t want to hear anymore back talk from you, young lady.
—Joss Field

Mom: Oh no, the feng shui in this room is all wrong. Here, help me move your roommate’s bed.
—Noyes, third floor

Freshman [mumbling]: Mom, I kind of have a problem.
[Freshman whispers to Mom]
Mom: WHAT?
Freshman [still mumbling]: It’s not herpes or whatever. It goes away.
Mom [screaming]: YOU GET CHLAMYDIA AND ALL YOU CAN SAY IS, ‘IT’S NOT HERPES’?
[Freshman hangs head in shame.]
Mom: How did you get it?
Freshman: Um, I borrowed my roommate’s towel?
—Outside Baldwin

Mom: What classes are you taking?
Daughter: I’m in Post-Industrial Feminist Theory, a seminar on O’Keefe, Sapphic Poetry, and Mapping the Clitoris.
Mom: Very nice. So, do you have a boyfriend yet?
—Retreat

Freshman girl to parents: Yeah, apparently they’re putting stripper poles and a shark tank in the on-campus dance club.
—College Center

Preppy mom: Do you want to go the Cape next weekend?
Hipster son: Mom, shhh.
Preppy mom: What? You love it there. And you know Grandma Rockefeller wants to see you.
Hipster son: I have plans.
Preppy mom: Are you wearing women’s jeans?
—Retreat patio

Freshman girl in miniskirt, barefoot, carrying stilettos, on cell phone: Mom, what time are you guys getting here? No, I’m still in bed, I’m just curious. I wanted to, uh, make sure my room looks nice for you guys.
—TH path

Freshman dad: Do you know where I could score some grass?
Senior girl: Uh, 1967?
—Outside Library

Dad, rummaging through recycling: Crystal Palace?? That’s what you’re drinking? Are we not giving you enough spending money?
—Jewett

Freshman girl: Hey Mom, remember that guy I told you about who went to the hospital for alcohol poisoning? The one who was, like, foaming at the mouth? Yeah, I’m dating him now.
—Outside Lathrop