Kyle Nelson Columnist

In baseball, random testing allows most players to get away with doping; there are enough loopholes in the process that when a guy’s muscles balloon to McGwire-size and he gets caught, the media and the public act like it’s a fluke. If the system is this flawed and the league wants to turn a blind eye to steroid usage, then they might as well just legalize them.

There, I said it. It’s only fair. Why should one player burn for something hundreds of ball-players get away with every day? Are steroids even illegal in America? I think most of them are legal. Are they going to ban tobacco and alcohol next? What about the right to bear arms? Is the government going to take that away, too? How will the players defend themselves? Oy vey. With implications like these, the steroid debate carries a whole new meaning.

Though now it’s more or less yesterday’s news, Angels Outfielder Gary Matthews Jr.’s “accidental” acquisition of the steroid Human Growth Hormone showed the unassuming world that the specter of steroids is still very much haunting America’s pastime. Here is my response to Major League Baseball’s (MLB) evidently pro-steroid (or just apathetic) Commissioner Bud Selig.

Dear Bud, Here are 10 reasons to legalize steroid and hormone use in MLB:
1. There are too many teams (30) and too many players (744). Are there too many to care about? Imagine if they all juiced. The result would be somewhere between Angels in the Outfield and Space Jam… It’d be a new reason to watch! Plus, the advertising potential is endless.
2. The National Basketall Association (NBA) and National Football League (NFL) barely test at all and their games don’t take 14 hours to finish. Coincidence? Doubtful.
3. Sluggers could chase career home run record-holder Hammerin’ Hank Aaron’s 731 home runs during their rookie season.
4. Forty-year-old veterans could keep playing even longer. Or at least until their bodies actually fall apart…
5. Steroids could get rid of the dreaded pitcher potbelly.
6. MET-RX would no longer have to sponsor the World’s Strongest Man, there would be a whole MLB full of them! Sorry Mariusz (the current world’s strongest man), A-Rod would look and sound better sipping Whey shakes.
7. The Rambis Youth would be thrilled to see The Big(ger) Unit moonlight at center in L.A.
8. Through MLB’s steroid legalization, the steroid industry could join tobacco and alcohol companies in the controversial, though obscenely profitable, youth market. Evidently, steroid use is up among teens, but what if their role models could legally use them? There’s a lot of cash to be made.
9. My proposed Mark McGwire Rule: You can use as many steroids as you want, but the punishment for using them is an apologetic press conference followed by the realization that the whole world knows that your testicles are the size of raisins.
10. You can’t monitor everyone; why try? Hypocrisy doesn’t go over well with fans. To quote Peter

Tosh: “Legalize it.”

Sir, you have the evidence. Now let me add just one more reason while I’m at it. Here is a classic quote from the infamous (alleged) juicer, Barry Bonds: “What did I do? What did I do? What are you going to apologize for when you're wrong? This is old stuff. I mean, it’s like watching Sanford and Son. It’s just rerun after rerun after rerun. It’s almost comical, basically.

“We've got alcohol that’s the number one killer in America, and we legalize that. You’ve got tobacco, number two or three killer in America. We legalize that. There’s other issues. It’s become Hard Copy all day long. Are you guys jealous? Are you upset? Disappointed? What?”

But in all seriousness. Steroids are one of the most frustrating elements of baseball. It’s easy to act naïve and assume that your favorite slugger never used them. You’d be doing yourself a large disservice, though, because guess what? He did. Steroids present an interesting gray area into America’s pastime: Sometimes I hate to think about them, but then seconds later I support the idea of legalizing them in professional baseball.

Should steroids be legalized? Well, it could be argued that if cigarettes, guns and alcohol are legal, why not steroids? I look at the bulging biceps of NFL and NBA stars and wonder why they aren’t held to the same level of scrutiny. (Hell, MLB had a Congress on its case about steroids! The other leagues hardly test at all and are just as popular and visible.) The problem lies in Selig’s inability to fully acknowledge the issue. He’d love for the public to think that steroid use is minimal, but his thought process is flawed.

In fact, MLB’s entire philosophy on steroid use is flawed. Take track and field, for instance. They have a set list of banned substances and every participating athlete gets tested before a meet. If they’re caught doping, they pack their bags. There simply has to be a more reliable and responsible system put in place.

If anything, MLB needs to send a consistent message to its fans, one that either supports or decries steroid usage. I think that at a moral and ethical level, steroid usage is wrong in professional sports. What kind of role model is McGwire or Jose Canseco? Nobody caught them while they were still playing, but everyone knew that their favorite player was a doper. What about Barry Bonds and Sammy Sosa? All steroids do is give an undeserved advantage, and MLB needs to decide whether to make the advantage available to all or none. No more middleground.