Mr. Vassar candidates walk on the wild side

Weintana Abraha Guest Writer

It’s that time of year again: Students talk of crowns and excitedly whisper about themes., guys anxiously wait to find out if they have been nominated as one of the eight coolest, sexiest, funniest men on campus, and if they are set to vie for the honor of all honors: the title of Mr. Vassar.

The Mr. Vassar competition will be held Feb. 10 at 9 p.m. on the second floor of the Students’ Building. Colin Garvey ’07 and Evan Focht ’08 will serve as masters of ceremony and Security Guard Betty Francis is back as one of the judges, joined by Dean of Students Dan Brown and Assistant Professor of Pyschology Abigail Baird. The event is sponsored by the Daisy Chain, a group of sophomores that has traditional ceremonial duties for commencement and plans events throughout the year under the guidance of members of the Senior Class Council.

Members of the Daisy Chain said that while the contest could subvert degrading and sexist institutions of pageants, for the most part, it is just an evening of comedic antics and school spirit. “[It’s an] event to try and get to know students and raise money for senior events,” said Daisy Chain co-coordinator Jessie Rubin ’07.

This year’s “Rumble in the Jungle” themed show will include an opening dance number, formal “jungle wear”, a talent competition, and a question-and-answer round for the top three candidates.

“As far as the Mr. Vassar contest goes, it’s more a performance than a contest,” said last year’s winner, Luke Frankson ’06. “They are not judged by physical appearance, but by performance. It’s supposed to be funny.”

This year’s contestants include Patrick Gerety ’07, Ben Van de Graaf ’07, Austin Clark ’08 (a second-time nominee), Rob Voigt ’08 (another second-time nominee), Naquan Earp ’09, Jon Read ’09, Ryan Greenlee ’10, and Stephen McCarthy ’10.

Any one of these contestants could be crowned the king of the Vassar jungle. So the question is, how does one choose the right candidate to hold such an illustrious title? Ladies and gentlemen, your nominees for Mr. Vassar 2007 tell you themselves with their answers to a pre-contest questionnaire.

Miscellany News: How did you feel about your nomination?
Earp: I was honored by it. I wasn’t expecting it at first.
Greenlee: I felt like Harrison Ford felt when he kicked that terrorist off of Air Force One and said, “GET OFF MY PLANE.” Yeah. Just like that.
Van de Graaf: The birds sang and the sun rose and the flowers bloomed when I was nominated. I’m both a mixture of proud and nervous about it. I’m happy.

MN: Why did you decide to enter Mr. Vassar?
Voigt: Listen, it’s not my decision, it’s mutual, if I just entered him without permission that would be very not cool, and probably classifiable as sexual harassment.

MN: Why do you want to be King of the Vassar Jungle?
Earp: First off, not to disappoint my friends who nominated me. I’ve really grown to love Vassar and want to show my love back. Plus, it’s a lot of fun.
McCarthy: Well I think that it’s best addressed in a great movie, Fitzcarraldo. It’s about a man who seeks to build an opera house in the jungle. While his aims are fundamentally irrational, by building this opera house he brings this jewel of the culture into the deepest Amazon. So I see myself as a Fitzcarraldo figure seeking to build opera houses in the Vassar jungle.
Van de Graaf: It would be fun to have the title and be able to feel it. And to tell my parents. I hope they mention it when I graduate.

MN: What do you expect to bring to the Mr. Vassar pageant?
Clark: Well, I plan on bringing an eighth and a forty backstage.
Gerety: For the contest, I expect to bring a touch of class and probably a lot of animal print spandex.

MN: Why should you be king of Vassar Jungle?
Clark: I should be the king of Vassar jungle so I can do a lil’ slash-and burn-to make room for a Wal-Mart.
Read: I bet I could punch the shit out of a snake.
Voigt: If Vassar’s a jungle, then I’m a lemur.

MN: If you were crowned King of the Vassar jungle, what would your goals be?
McCarthy: I think Mr. Vassar should celebrate Vassar masculinity. I think it’s valuable to have a figure to promote the sense of how men can be a full part of the Vassar tradition...through humor and fun.
Gerety: If I were to be crowned Mr. Vassar 2007 my goals would have already been accomplished. Oh except graduating, I’d still want to graduate.
Greenlee: I would definitely go crazy. Participate in some underage drinking, gain a vicious coke habit, slap my maid in the face with a dust buster, then give a teary public apology and go to rehab so the public will forgive me. Straight Hollywood.
Van de Graaf: I always have this feeling Mr. Vassar disappears after a few weeks. I don’t really see a role for Mr. Vassar to end world hunger. But I would like to come back as a judge—it would be fun.

MN: Who would be queen of your jungle?
Gerety: James Harris would be queen of my jungle because he is just so darn pretty.
Clark: I am deeply offended by the intrinsic heteronormativity of this question. I refuse to answer it. Get some damn sense.
Earp: I think RuPaul.
Greenlee: “Definitely the one and only Miss Judy “Jabooty” Jarvis. I’ve seen her tame a water buffalo with her bare hands. If my sources are correct, the movie Fern Gully: The Last Rainforest is loosely based on her life. Her or Jesus.”
McCarthy: Judy Jarvis ’07. Her tenacity of spirit [is] found in the Vassar jungle. We could reign with those values in mind.
Read: Cleopatra; comin’ atcha.
Van de Graaf: I should say my girlfriend, but Scarlet Johansson would make a pretty good queen. Maybe they both could co-rule.

MN: Do you ever worry that contests like Mr. Vassar are degrading to men, and may provide questionable role models for young boys out there?
Greenlee: Why are young boys watching the Mr. Vassar contest!? Who let them in!? No, I don’t think this competition is degrading to men at all. It’s an opportunity for men to voluntarily take and spoof the traditionally female role of being judged and objectified by others.

MN: Any last comments?
Van de Graaf: No, I just want the competition to speak for me.
Greenlee: When is somebody going to tell me what Mr. Vassar actually is?