Freshman Week-ish: A Retrospective

Freshman week is a rite of passage. This year’s froshies somehow got stuck having classes in the middle of theirs, but whatevs, too bad. We at The Miscellany News hope you still had a memorable time—if you can remember it at all. If not, here’s a rundown on what probably went down:

Day One: Say goodbye to your parents and say hello to your fellow group. Ask people where they’re from “in the world, haha, not which dorm!” Befriend the kid from Maine who lives in Main. Find other kids who like Radiohead too!

Night One: The bad-ass kid from the city smuggled a weeks-old forty of Olde English in his luggage. Split it six ways with your new buddies. One kid pukes, one kid discovers his sexual orientation.

Day Two: Hit up the ’DC with the fellow group. Realize you hate everyone in your fellow group. Take a tour of the library.

Night Two: Learn about the big D—diversity. Find out about an awesome party in the THs. Get lost going to the THs. Finally end up there to discover one keg, half the freshman class, and the basketball team. End up getting plastered, puking all over your roommate and making out with the only cute guy/girl in your fellow group.

Day Three: Go to the Poughkeepsie Galleria.

Night Three: Get kidnapped by sophomores and taken to someone’s apartment on College Ave. Make out with a junior who a semester from now will realize that he’s gay. End up alone back in your own room. Pass out, but then wake up in the middle of the night and pee in your roommate’s closet.

Day Four: Wake up to the sound of your roommate screaming in Portuguese about how his/her stuff smells like urine with just a hint of vomit. Go back to sleep. Wake up again and go to ACDC for some late afternoon breakfast. Realize that you’re already sick of all the ’DC has to offer. Also realize that you still don’t have actual friends. Go read a book in the Shakespeare Garden.

Night Four: Not quite sure what happens, but end up in someone else’s bed in Davison.

Day Five: Arrive late for your BSC. Discover that the person’s bed you woke up in is coincidentally also your Bandana Person. Awkwardly say hello to said person and then proceed to puke all over the bike rack outside ACDC.

Other Notable Events:

Convocation: Wonder if you accidentally joined a cult instead of started college. Become so hungry that you attempt to eat your own nose.

Pimps and Hos: First college opportunity to dress up like a skank-ho without anyone judging you. Unfortunately this event didn’t happen this year, so everyone was judging you at the “Welcome Back Dance.” Just be glad it wasn’t called “DJ Dance Party.”

Gays of our Lives: Wow, your gaydar is bad.

Serenading: As of press time, this event has yet to happen, but on Friday be prepared to smell like...well, we’ll let figure out this one on your own.