College has qualms about new president, calls MTV

Molly Finkelstein Presidential Correspondent

After 20 years of service as Vassar College President, Frances Daly Fergusson (henceforth “Fran”) is passing the torch to Catharine Bond Hill (henceforth “Cappy”). The official school constitution calls for Fran to teach Cappy the ways of the school and the secrets of the presidency.

“Guiding the new president is an important job,” said Fergusson. “And it’s one I was greatly looking forward to. However, I have some important official business involving architecture, art history, and St. Barth’s. It’s imperative that I leave right away, so unfortunately I won’t be able to show Caps the ropes. I’m sure someone else can teach her how to steal bagels from the Retreat.”

But who can do such an arduous task? That’s for the many deans of the College to decide.
“Well, first we called Matt LeBlanc, but he was too busy filming his new movie, Aye, the Snows of Denmark: Hamlet on Ice,” said Sienna Miller, Dean of Empty Threats. “So then we totally panicked. But then we thought, what would Matthew Vassar do? So we called MTV and they sent a crew right away.”

That’s right gang, Cappy Hill is about to get MADE.

Day 1: Stacy London ’91, host of TLC’s hit show What Not To Wear and Cappy’s Made Coach, surprises Cappy at her office in Zambia.
“You better be ready to work hard,” said London. “It’s gonna take a lot to make you go from Econ Professor geek to College President chic. Now, let’s go shopping.”

Day 5: After several days of trying on cashmere sweater sets and A-line skirts, Cappy starts to tire of London’s loud voice and demanding tasks. Cappy tries to run away, but London chases after her and drags her to the L’Oreal Paris Salon to get her a cut and dye job.
“I’m thinking something bright, something blonde, something like international banky,” said London.

Day 14: After several attempts to get the cast of Queer Eye for the Straight Guy to redecorate the President’s house on campus, London grabs a couple of guys off the quad and makes them put up wallpaper and paper-mache the ceiling tiles. Twenty hours and 40 gallons of Sunrise Pink paint later, it looks like the Rose Parlor ate the Gold Parlor and threw up all over the President’s House.

Day 22: It’s time for Cappy to get a man. Despite Cappy’s protests that she already has a husband, London sets her up on a date with Yale President Richard C. Levin. While going for a hypothetically romantic sail on Sunset Lake, Cappy pushes Levin into the water. She later confesses, “It turns out Richard was only using me. He’s still bummed that Vassar dissed Yale in favor of coeducation because he really really wanted to own the campus. He also kept quoting Pride and Prejudice. It was really weird.”

Day 37: More important than finding a man, is finding a presidential pet. London and Cappy take the mall shuttle to the Galleria and hit up the pet store. After London labeled a puggle “too Legally Blonde,” a rat “too CalTech,” and a piece of toast resembling Ben Franklin, “too UPenn,” London finally chose a fairly obese cat named Daisy Wright because “half of these Vassar girls will be living alone with cats one day anyway.”

Day 45: “Being a college president is all about speaking your mind and telling the New York Times to fuck off if they think you’re wrong. Today we’re going to have you practice your public speaking skills,” London tells Cappy.

London then shoved a pre-written speech, borrowed from Harvard, into Cappy’s hand and pushed her on top of a table in ACDC to deliver her message to the masses. She began:
“The most controversial in a way, question, and the most difficult question to judge, is what is the role of discrimination? So my best guess, to provoke you, of what's behind all of this is that the largest phenomenon, by far, is the general clash between people's legitimate family desires and employers' current desire for high power and high intensity, that in the special case of science and engineering, there are issues of intrinsic aptitude, and particularly of the variability of aptitude, and that those considerations are reinforced by what are in fact lesser factors involving socialization and continuing discrimination.”

Cappy then fainted and was carried out of ACDC by members of the baseball team.

Day 56, Inauguration Day: After a grueling eight weeks of training, London deems Cappy ready for the presidency.

“You’ve got the hair, the bod, the clothes, you can do it! Now all we have to do is swear you in at a rockin’ presidential party,” London told Cappy.

London then blindfolded Cappy and took her to the Walker Athletic and Fitness Center for her official inauguration as President of the College. At the ceremony, Fran, back from her business trip and looking tan, and Cappy ran on adjacent treadmills. Fran then passed Cappy the Olympic torch. There was a brief pause for photographs and applause before Cappy handed off the torch to Elie Weisel who had to run the torch over to Turin for the opening Winter Olympic ceremonies. To end the festival, Cappy and Fran performed a medley that included Destiny’s Child’s “Independent Woman, Part 1” and TLC’s “No Scrubs.”

—Additional reporting by Marcella Veneziale.