Weekly Calendar 12/9-12/15

FRIDAY, 12/9, Last day of classes!
3 p.m. Tea. I know you have a six page paper. Rose Parlor

8 p.m. Vastards Concert. In this year’s Seven Sisters a cappella series, the Sisters go head-to-head against the Ivies. Game 1: Vastards vs. Penn Six. Vastards go down in round one. Vassar: 0, Ivies: 1. Taylor Hall 102

10 p.m. Main’s Birthday Bonanza. With special guest stars Jacqueline Bouvier, Mary McCarthy, Ethan Zohn, my great-aunt, Vassar’s Newest Band!!! and Jane Fonda clad only in pearls and a birthday tiara riding a Segway. Main

SATURDAY, 12/10
7 p.m. Amnesty Global Awareness Dinner. Amnesty International hosts a dinner with international cuisine to recognize International Human Rights Day. Sponsored by Bono and Bob Geldof. If you don’t wear yellow-tinted glasses you get your human rights taken away for a couple of hours. Villard Room

8 p.m. Vassar Devils Concert. Devils vs. Brown Derbies. The Devils are in the lead until the kids from Providence bust out a supa-fly version of “Gangsta’s Paradise.” Vassar: 0, Ivies: 2. Taylor Hall 102

SUNDAY, 12/11
3 p.m. FWA Anti-Love Revue. Musical theater fundraiser. There’s only one thing worse than a cappella and it’s called “Oliver!” I don’t care that your high school had the best musical theater program in the state. Villard Room

8 p.m. Matthew’s Minstrels Concert. Minstrels vs. Cayuga’s Waiters. After the Minstrels convince the guys from Cornell that Vassar does, in fact, have a lower acceptance rate than their school, the Waiters are so terribly distraught that they throw themselves into Sunset Lake in forfeit. Vassar: 1, Ivies: 2. Rocky 300

9 p.m. Comedy Night. A night of laughs with a professional Jewish comedian, sponsored by the Vassar Jewish Union. I wonder who it is. God, I mean, G-d, it could be anyone. Name one professional comedian who isn’t Jewish. And don’t say Chris Rock. He’s just Sephardic. Students’ Building, Second Floor

MONDAY, 12/12
9 a.m. Potpourri. The rose petals, the cinnamon, the herbs, the spices…it must be morning in the College Center again. CC, North Atrium

1 p.m. Student Program at Cannes. Senior Film majors get to screen their angsty film-noir-esque pretentious movies that didn’t make it to Sundance. Next year at the Oscars, guys. CDF 109

3 p.m. Tea. A ten page paper. Rose Parlor

TUESDAY, 12/13
Noon. De-Stress Daze. Featuring music by Dee-lite and art by De Kooning. I kind of want to de-ie. CC, North Atrium

3 p.m. Tea. Two research projects. Rose Parlor

5 p.m. Poetry Bang. The Verse Writing class will perform re-enactments of famous moments in poetry. Adam Tessier is currently living in his car and staring at his hands, wishing they were smaller, in preparation for his role as Jewel. I have tried to acquaint myself with the smell of ovens for my performance as Sylvia Plath. Faculty Parlor?

8 p.m. Premium Brew Concert. Premium Brew vs. Columbia Kingsmen. The Kingsmen are on strike, so Brew just has to show up to the court to claim their default win. However, the gang gets caught up in an intense beat-box off, resulting in three students going to the hospital for oxygen deprivation and their forgetting to claim their undeserving victory. Vassar: 1, Ivies: 2. Taylor Hall, 102

WEDNESDAY, 12/14
1 p.m. Contra Dance. Geology and Geography are hosting a study break for majors and other friends of the department. My roommate is a Geography major. I don’t think she knows what geography is. She certainly doesn’t know where New Hackensack is. Or Wisconsin. Aula

3 p.m. Tea. And a huge French presentation. Rose Parlor

5 p.m. “Sweet Illusion.” A world in which a cappella and sketch comedy don’t exist. Ah. CDF, 109

THURSDAY, 12/15, Finals!!!
1 p.m. English 220 Final. Just remember guys, Angelina Jolie is playing the queen of darkness in the new animated version of Beowulf and the vaguely popular spin-off “Joey” has something to do with “Twelfth Night.” Rocky 300

3 p.m. Tea. At least you have your health, your hair, and 25 Retreat points. Rose Parlor