Intramural Sports

Steve Buonfiglio Columnist

Thanksgiving is over—the good food, awkward conversations, even the bloated feeling. And being human beings, or at least Intramural participants, we immediately start to look ahead. Vassar is diverse and the next big thing takes many forms—Christmas, Chanukah, Kwanza, Festivus—but Intramurals seem to be a common ground for all.

Accordingly, during this festive time of year, all the little IM-ers are busy writing letters in the hopes of being deemed nice. Here are some examples that may or may not ring true, which is to say, they are all tongue in cheek, except where they reflect positively on someone—the good stuff is always true, the bad is all lies (Republican credo #318).

Dear IM Director,
I ain’t little and I ain’t nice—I am big and naughty. I am writing only to let you know that I played a game for Sam Lindy’s Sister is Hot in 3v3 basketball the other day. I’m not on the roster. Rules are for nerds and little people. If you give Sam Lindy’s team a forfeit, well, that’s totally up to you, but if you drown in the pool I have to warn you, we lifeguards have long memories.
Big and That’s Enough
(Tom Weishaupt ’07)

Dear IM Director,
My Comp soccer team stinks. Well actually that’s not true. We are very good, great in fact. However the other teams always win. They have the annoying habit of scoring more goals than we do.
I see that you are not on any teams—maybe you could play for us. Even if you don’t help us win, you should use your power to change the rules so that the right team (that would be Sundance Express), comes out on top. Let me know what you think. We could rule the world!
Desperately Seeking Victories
(Jackson Taylor)

Dear IM Director,
I don’t know what kind of program you are running over there, but last Sunday I went into the gym and people started throwing balls at me. I mean, I got hit right in the solar plexus. I’m a pretty mellow person, but I’m not so mellow that I would take that lying down. So I started picking up balls and throwing them at people too.
I thought I would get in trouble or a fight but when I hit someone, these other dudes came over to me and treated me like I was Peyton Manning or something.
Well this went on for a couple of hours and at the end of the night, what do you think happens? Some guy gives me and my new friends a shirt. They said they are called “Hell or Highwater”—some sort of dodge ball team. Whatever. Anyway, I just wanted to say “good show” to you—we need more situations where we can peg people on this campus and get shirts for it.
Making Friends Through Violence
(Tito Crafts ’06)

Dear IM Director,
I have good news and bad news. First off, we played all the volleyball games last week. There were no forfeits. The volleyball cart did not fall apart even once. And I wrote down all the results in the notebook—the Punch Spikers even beat the Gimps, so assistant men’s basketball coach Todd “Mad Spiker” McGuinness can be taken off deathwatch. Only I lost the notebook; well, not me actually, as I put the notebook where I usually do, only it disappeared.
It could be that Tatiana “It Takes a Thief” Vlahovic ’08 of the Gimps took it. I mean, if you lost to the Punch Spikers, would you want that to be public information? So anyway, I remember that one, but not so much the other results—if a tree falls in the forest and no one is there, it makes a noise, that I know; but if an IM game is played and no result recorded, did the game ever take place? That’s for you to decide.
Lost in Walker Along with the Notebook
(Dan Rappoport ’07)