Amid student protests, final exams modified

Molly Finkelstein Unassociated Press

After a large student protest, which the administration mistakenly believed to be about final examinations, College officals have taken action to promote alternative testing methods. “We believe that students can only learn when they are happy, and the current examination process was proving to be bad for their karma,” said Dean of Studies Alexander Thompson III. “It was like blue books equal blue balls, e.g. not pleasant.”

The protest, which was actually in regards to the winter cabbages in Main Circle not being cleared of snow promptly, involved several students dressed as cabbages and one student dressed as a snowplow with a smiley face on it. “I was one of the cabbages, the green one on the left. I am baffled, but pleased that they’ve decided to renovate finals,” said Mark Greenblatt ’08.

The administration has presented several replacement options for the final exams. Professors are asked to choose one and notify their students at least two hours before the exam. “The first option, and my personal favorite,” said Thompson, “is to hold a ‘Fight Club’ for the class. Each member of the class will be asked to shave their heads and congregate in a circle in the basement of either Blodget Hall or Davison House. They will then all punch each other until one person is left standing. That person will get an ‘A.’ The rest of the members in the class will receive a ‘B+.’” This option is recommended for freshman courses and other small seminar classes.

The second option is primarily for large lecture courses such as Art 105-106 and English 220-221. It involves the students putting on a high quality production of a show that has recently gone off Broadway. Popular options include Les Miserables and Elton John and Tim Rice’s Aida. However, the production must be done without an orchestra; the tallest students in the class must sing the score. They may have one set of bongos and a low-quality triangle though. Additionally, the entire presentation must be done nude “like the ancient Romans did” said Class of 2008 Advisor Robert Brown. A dream team of Drama professors, Glenn Close, Robert Downey Jr., and Stephen Sondheim will determine each student’s grade.

“The third is the most difficult, though it sounds quite simple,” said Thompson. In this option, students are simply required to stay awake for three hours. However, they will be tucked into the silken communal bed in the attic of Sanders Physics and be forced to listen to “Songs of the Humpback Whale” and “Paint the Sky with Stars: The Best of Enya.” “I quite prefer ‘A Day Without Rain,’ but Fran vetoed that,” noted Thompson, with a sob. The Axies have been asked to hand out warm milk and feather pillows. Students are required to drink the milk, though lactose intolerant and vegan students may request steamed soy milk. Students will be graded individually based on the amount of time they stay awake. Any student getting, as Thompson put it, “some hot action,” during the exam will receive ten bonus points based on “which base they get to.”

“These new options will surely relieve much of the stress that finals so often cause. We’re just here to help the students,” said Thompson. Students are asked to show up to their scheduled exam location at the specified time.