The FATastic 4

Molly Finkelstein Backpage Editor

Thanksgiving is a wonderful time of year. People are giving, people are thanking, people are eating pie. What’s not to adore? But there is a sect among us who does not feel this way. The Vassar A Cappella Coalition (VACC), headed by J.C. Chasez, is adamantly anti-Thanksgiving. According to their press release, “Thanksgiving is a time of great grief for us. There are many delightful Halloween songs and even more wonderful Christmas and holiday tunes, but there are no Thanksgiving ones—save for one shitty one by notable lesbian Jewish singer Debbie Friedman about being glad you’re not a turkey. We cannot have this gap in our repertoire. Thus, Thanksgiving must be destroyed.”

Shortly after releasing this statement, the VACC sang “Uptown Girl” in twelve-part harmony while holding hands in a giant circle. As they were singing, they started fading away. By the second chorus they had all disappeared into oblivion. According to their second press release, they have travelled back in time to Ancient Massachusetts to prevent the first Thanksgiving from ever occurring, thus wiping the holiday out of existence. “We’re going to the source, bitches,” said the statement.
There’s only one group of super heroes who can save Thanksgiving...

The Fat 4 prepare for their dangerous journey with the help of Elizabeth, a video-pilates instructor.

They patiently wait for their secret time inverter to take them to the Pilgrims and Native Americans.

Upon hearing that VACC razed all of the crops, thus destroying all of the food needed for the Thanksgiving feast, the Fat 4 spring into action.

When they arrive at Plymouth Rock, they discover that VACC has been trying to destroy it, in the hopes that the Pilgrims would have nothing to land on. However, the Pilgrims are already in the New World. The Human Torch fixes the rock by shooting chunks of flaming lard onto it, which then harden, thus restoring the rock to it’s natural beauty.

Thinking fast, the gang runs to Planet Wings to pick up some food. The King of the Native Americans (far left) and King of the Pilgrims are thrilled that their feast is saved. The Fatastic Four has preserved yet another American tradition!