published on 10/07/05

Penance: A Guide for Gentiles

Shaina Goodstein-Horowitz IV Pope

It’s not always easy to be pure and chaste. We here at The Miscellany News are perfectly aware of that. We’re also aware that not everyone prays to “G-d.” Some people actually pray to “God.” So, we have figured out several easy ways for goyim, I mean gentiles, to absolve themselves of guilt.

Tashlich

This ancient ritual traditionally involves throwing stale bread in moving bodies of water. We considered many options, but the most viable choice was “Porklich.” This ritual involves throwing raw chunks of pork into a public toilet. You have to say a sin for each piece of pig you throw in (or up) into said toilet. Different body parts represent different sins. (See diagram at right to see what represents what).

Fill-in-the-Blank Confession

Just go into the little confessional booth (I’ve always wanted to do this!) and tell the Father your sins, using this easy tool. Just fill in the blanks!

“Forgive me Father, for I have (verb) . My sins include having (verb) with (noun) who is not a Catholic or a (noun) . I also have to learn how to control my manic (noun) and also be nice to my mother. She is a total (adjective) ho. Oh, also I would like to be forgiven for (verb) the gardener in the (noun) while he was (verb) . Additionally, I have committed the grievous sin of (noun) , which I know is legally and morally frowned upon, but I know you’ll be able to forgive me for this (adjective) action.

The David Blaine

This one involves physical penance. You have to lock yourself in a glass box hanging above Sunset Lake. You then have to sit in said box for up to 44 days (depending on how great the sin) without food or an iPod. And if the box touches any trees, you will be fined $4,000 by Buildings & Grounds and an additional $20,000 by the State of New York because this is an arboretum, bitch. By sitting in this hovering glass box you will learn what is truly important in life: food, hygiene, and yes, repenting for your sins. Because as we have come to learn, only through public humiliation can one be truly be forgiven for sin.

David Blaine’s past stunts include standing on a 100 foot pole for 35 hours, living in a glass tank buried six feet underground for a week and encasing himself in a six ton block of ice for over 60 hours. So, just be glad we didn’t make you do that.

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