College goes "No-Ed"

Pursuant to the changes taking place this week at Vassar (see cover), The Miscellany News will remain in print, but in a different form. In the coming weeks, look forward to a new—and, we hope, improved—edition of the campus newspaper, now reimagined as the semi-monthly activities circular serving Vassar in its new incarnation, Matthew’s Place Day Spa and Center for Better Living.

Last week, reporters from Semi-Monthly List of Activities (Luncheon Menu on back), as The Miscellany News will henceforth be known, sat down with the celebrity members of the Calendar Committee to discuss Vassar’s next great leap foward.

“Since its founding, Vassar has prided itself on innovation,” Calendar Commitee member and noted actress Jodie Foster said. “But the problem with innovation is it slips away. Just as lightbulbs are no longer considered cutting-edge, neither is women’s education, co-education—or academics at all for that matter.”

Foster brushed aside concerns that the College was casting off its history of educational excellence.
“Of course we’ll still be an educational institution,” she said. “But now we’ll be concentrating on an academic growth industry: spiritual education. Not only does our paradigm shift make it much easier to get funding from the Federal government, it allows us to eliminate the element of the College that gave the administration the most trouble—the students. Of course,” sighed Foster, “the more things change, the more they stay the same.”

Indeed. Former Vassar students can rest assured that long-serving president Frances Fergusson will be staying on in the President’s Mansion, albeit with a different role. Ms. Fergusson will be in charge of the team of designers charged with creating a uniform to be worn by the guests at Matthew’s Place. Preliminary sketches indicated that both male and female guests will be required to wear cullottes, turtlenecks, and clogs at all times. “The clogs,” Ms. Foster said, “are intended to prevent guests from wandering off-grounds.”

Along with Ms. Fergusson, a select group of students will stay on as well. Along with the staff of Semi-Monthly List of Activities, “unis” (students who ride unicycles), and intersexed students are invited to remain on campus. When asked how the administration of Matthew’s Place would define the term “intersexed,” Ms. Foster told reporters, “If you have to ask, you’ll never know.”

Still, most of the student body—almost 95 percent—is expected to leave campus by next week. They do so with mixed feelings.

“I had a lot of good times here,” Emma White ’05 said. “Well, not a lot of good times. Come to think of it, I couldn’t say I was particularly happy at any time here. But I stayed for four years. That’s gotta count for something.”

White, a former staff member of The Miscellany News, will be pursuing work in the mail room at Condé Nast. The Editorial Board of Semi-Monthly List of Activities (Luncheon Menu on back) wishes Emma and all departing students the best of luck in their new endeavors. We encourages them to return to Matthew’s Place whenever they feel the need for a spiritual tune-up.

—The Editors

Correction from 3/25/05 Issue

In the investigative report “Jeff Corwin: Cute or Old?” Aaron Biberstein ’06 implied that he had conducted an interview with Mr. Corwin. Upon further examination, the editorial staff discovered that not only had Biberstein not conducted the interview, but a three-year-old federal restraining order prevented him from even attending Monday’s lecture. We apologize for the inaccuracy.