Intramural Sports

Steve Buonfiglio Columnist

Step right up ladies and gentlemen, or facsimiles thereof—it’s time to play Vassar’s favorite game, IM Fact or Fiction.

Steven Beauregard ’07 is the best tennis player on campus who does not play for Roman Czula or Kathy Campbell: that’s fact, as he breezed through the IM tourney. The key to his win? A good serve and being able to get out of bed by 1 p.m. on a Sunday. Few possess this combination of talents.

Taylor Levy ’05 single-handedly won the IM Golf tourney in one stroke. Almost fact. Her shot from the tee box on the first hole landed on the ninth green. Why go through all those superfluous movements? Cut to the chase. If Taylor ran the 400 meters, we hypothesize when the gun went off she would not move: “you want me to run all the way around so I can end up here? I’m already here! What’s my time—0:00, beat that!” Taylor and partner Amber Gaskins ’05 did end up playing all the holes and turned in a fine score, though significantly higher than one.

Big Tom and the Chrysanthemums’ Sarah Porter ’06 stupefied the IM softball league. Fiction, they are beyond stupefication (new word, bonus points). She played her first game ever, and being right-handed, put the glove on her, well, right hand. Which all in all makes sense, though in reality, it just isn’t right. Either way, Big Tom et al lost and I don’t think Big Porter caught any in the field, with either hand. But give her time—Babe Ruth was not all that his first game either.

Joe DeMarco ’06 drove the green on the first hole to win the Long Drive contest during IM golf. Fiction. He did win said contest and the bragging rights as the longest hitter on campus, but his drive was an inch away from the green. Quite a wallop.

Elise Okusami ’08 now spells her name El-ice. Fiction, unfortunately. Elise stepped to the free throw line and coolly hit the game winning shot in the opening round of the rec basketball play-offs, as the Dingos downed Murray State Racers.

Ryan McGinley-Stempel ’08 and Greg Kantrowitz ’08 did something in the IM golf tourney that has never been done before. Fact. The duo won the championship as freshmen. Something James “Flip” Beaty ’05 and Chris “Flop” Been ’05 once dreamed of. That latter duo set the record for a pair wearing sandals, which might be because no one else wears sandals.

Sticking with golf, Danny “Zoolander” Forcella ’08 and Kyle “The Voice From Right Field” Magnus ’08 also did something in IM golf that has never been done before. Fact. The two caddied for Seth “No Tip Unless We Win” Taft ’05 and Aldy “Here’s a Quarter Kid” Butler ’05.

Zach Winkler ’06 needs Chubs, badly. Major fact. Zach apparently pulled a Happy Gilmore, breaking his putter over his knee and walking off the golf Course after some eighth hole misadventures. Zach, are you in your happy place, or what?

Kyle “Left Field is my Happy Place” Dickmann ’06 made a stellar play out in left to lead Big Tom to a softball win. Uh, that’d be one for the fiction side of the ledger.

Matt Tracey ’07 is the funniest man alive. Fiction, though close enough to truth. Matt was playing right field for Big Tom (who are in last place by the way, but still getting a lot of publicity). He was starving, I mean who wouldn’t be, getting ten-runned all the time. That’s a lot of time in the field. Anyway, when the Franchise (their opponents) finally got done scoring, Matt ran over to ACDC and barely made it back in time to take the field. Therefore he took his position with an apple. A ball was hit to him. Matt made the catch and threw the ball back to the infield. In between innings he told me he almost threw the apple in instead, just to see what the reaction would have been. I hear Johnny Appleseed started that way, pissing off his softball team.

Gabe Mosca ’05 flashed five girls at the softball field and they begged for a repeat performance. Strange, but fact nonetheless. When pitching for Initech, Gabe took the brunt of a nasty line drive on his upper thigh. Gabe is a tough, Maine, down-easter guy (or whatever that phrase is) and he showed little pain. The next day however, someone asked about it and he showed the nasty bruise after which everyone but College President Fran Fergusson wanted a gander.

Jon Lord ’05 may have cost me my mortal soul. Fact. During an Initech-Sausage Party game, Jon argued that a foul ball he had caught (as catcher) was an out, the ball having gone above the batter’s head. Well that may be giving him too much credit, as a similar, yet slightly higher ball (or perhaps it was a slightly shorter batter) had resulted in an out for one of his teammates the inning before. All this is mere background to the fact that Jon’s displeasure was voiced, and I quote, “Come on Steve, what’s good for the goose, what’s GOOD for the GOOSE!” One cannot even imagine Billy Martin ever uttering that phrase to argue a call. It did lead me to mutter, “What the hell, Lord?” And thus, I’m doomed, all because of IM softball. Jon was two for four, for whatever that’s worth.

Gay Sex is the best. Fact, by virtue of a 3 to 1 win over the Missing Links in the Rec Soccer finals. Ben “Now You’re Learning” Lennertz ’07 may be called to Rome by Pope Benedict. (Ben: don’t say anything about the Lord comment, ok?)

May the worst of your facts be fiction, and the best of your fictions be fact, or something like that.