Backpage Calendar

FRIDAY, 4/29
2p.m. Men’s Baseball. Vassar vs Clarkson University. Doubleheader. I could make an awful joke involving conjoined twins and oral sex, but instead, I’ll say hello to Rachel Wolff. Field, Prentiss

3 p.m. Tea. My boyfriend got asked out by a guy. Rose Parlor

7 p.m. ViCE Versa Fest. Free music concert as a kick-off to Founder's Day. Vassar, Bard, Marist and New Paltz students ONLY. Oh, I guess I’ll leave my cousin from Harvard in my dorm. Ballintine Field

8 p.m. Concert. Vassar College Jazz Ensemble. One time, when I was in marching band, we played “Rhapsody in Blue.” I played the gong part. I believe it was terrible. Skinner, Martel Recital Hall

SATURDAY 4/30
11 a.m. Founder’s Day. We celebrate the favorite vices of our dear founder Matt Vassar: cotton candy and elitism. Ballintine Field

Noon. Men’s Baseball. Vassar vs St. Lawrence University. Sarah saved 16 men from realizing their sexual orientation and that is how she became a saint. Prentiss Field

SUNDAY, 5/1
1 p.m. Democratic Issues Forum. Here are my democratic issues: 1) Blue is a winter color and I’m a spring; 2) Republican guys have more money, but Democrats don’t mind three-ways. What should I do? Rocky 300

3 p.m. Concert. Vassar College Orchestra. I used to play the violin, but my G-string kept breaking and I was always too embarrassed to ask for a new one. Sam played the viola. He has less anxiety than me. Skinner

MONDAY,5/2
8:30 a.m. Potpourri. After a year of writing calendar jokes, I finally found out what this event actually is. I kept wondering why there was never a big pile of scented flowers and spices in the middle of the College Center. I just figured I never woke up early enough to see it. CC, North Atrium

3 p.m. Tea. He doesn’t even go to Vassar. Rose Parlor

7 p.m. Film Screening. 28 Days Later. Is this the movie where Sandra Bullock dries out or the one where Josh Hartnett can’t jerk off? Blodgett

TUESDAY, 5/3
3 p.m. Tea. I told him to go for it. Rose Parlor

5 p.m. Lathrop/Jewett Barbeque. Because of protests regarding last year’s pig-roast, this year they will be roasting 40 pounds of tofu in the shape of a cow. It’s kosher that way. Quad

7 p.m. VCTV Screening. VCTV will screen three hours of television shows as well as their own productions. The theme is Alyssa Milano. They’ll be showing reruns of “Who’s the Boss?,” “Charmed,” and some shitty movie in which she shows her tits. Students’ Building

9 p.m. Premium Brew Concert. I am a human among cockroaches. Taylor, 102

WEDNESDAY, 5/4
11 p.m. Workshop. Liberating Time, Discovering Space, Workshop Two: Fun-in-the-Chapel. Your time and space to play the organ, ring the bells, try puppets, experiment with stilts. Sponsored by Religious and Spiritual Life. I think I went to this six years ago at summer camp with Ari Goldberg. Oh wait, never mind. It’s not what I thought it was.
Chapel

3 p.m. Tea. He got upset that I wasn’t upset. Rose Parlor

7 p.m. Senior Composition Reading. Wow, does this one ever sound like a—wait a second: I’m in this one. Now I guess I know how it feels. Sanders Auditorium
8 p.m. Vastards Concert. Die die die die die die DIE die die die DIE die. Taylor Hall, 102

THURSDAY, 5/5
2p.m. Computer Science Project. Robot Competition. That one’s a lady robot, isn’t it? I can just tell. Villard Room

3 p.m. Tea. Then he admitted that the guy is kind of cute. Rose Parlor

5 p.m. Verse Writing Reading. The Backpage’s favorite poets this year were Frank O’Hara, Sylvia Plath, Elizabeth Bishop, Tim Siebles, and my sister, Lucy. Thank you all, you’ve all been wonderful, please join us for an ice cream social after the ceremony. Sanders Auditorium

8 p.m. Shakespeare Troupe. Like he’s so great. Anyone can write a book. Carnie Wilson wrote one called I’m Still Hungry. Seriously. Blodgett Lawn

9:30 p.m. Matthew’s Minstrels. My experience with The Backpage and a cappella is like that Hindu parable about the atheist who spent his entire life concentrating on the idea that there is no God. When he died, he was instantly united with Brahma because he had, in a sense, devoted his life to thinking about divinity. For the past two years, I’ve been that man and a cappella has been the gods in whom I refused to believe. This is my last joke, a cappella, and I know the parable says that I should just give up. I’ll go to tea, I’ll go to film screenings, I’ll even go to lectures, but I just can’t bring myself to give in. A cappella, you’re going to have to drag my dead body to Sanders Hall 212. You live, I die, a cappella, but at least I go without singing a “Rhiannon”/”Only The Good Die Young” medly. Listen, a cappella, listen to me. No, come close and listen to someone else for once: a cappella, I hate you. No, that’s not right. A cappella, I love you. No, that’s not right either: A cappella, thou hast cleft my heart in twain! A cappella, we’re through! A cappella, no. A cappella, yes. A cappella, yes. A cappella, yes, yes I said yes I will yes.