Democracy is community

College celebrates unity at the ballot box

Harry Truman I beat Dewey fair and square!

At 7:00 p.m. on Saturday, the ebulliently blue Vassar College will hold a campus wide circle-jerk. In a grand celebration of our own righteousness in voting almost entirely democratic, 2400 male and female students, and as many faculty’s members as care to, will line up around the circumference of the campus for a 12 to 15 minute simultaneous assisted-orgasm party. For those attending, you will be wanking to the left. CHOICE will provide blue lube and blue latex gloves to make sure the event is safe and in keeping with the Democract’s platform promoting sexual education.

Simon Reno ’06 said the event is “the only fitting way to commemorate this historic day. I quote Shakespeare in Macbeth, ‘But cruel are the times, when we are traitors/And do not know ourselves; when we hold rumor/From what we fear, yet know not what we fear,/But float upon a wild and violent sea/Each way and move.’ It’s true that these are troubling and uncertain times, but, unlike Ross’s speech in Act IV, I know I made the right choice at the polls and I wanna jizz on my Student Fellow to show it.”

Event organizer, Philibuster Johnson ’07 said, “It’s a way for us to pat ourselves on the back with a message. We may all be red on the inside, but here that pink is covered in big-D Democratic lube.”

There has been some opposition to this triumphant wank. The on-campus Republican group, the Vassar Jingoists, claimed, “Doesn’t this seem like another example of Democratic flip-flopping, I mean, isn’t a true circle jerk where everyone beats themselves off standing or sitting in a circle. They just won’t define the issues. We need strong leadership that knows how, when, and where to flog the bishop or tickle the taco and won’t offer its stance on the issue up to ‘a global test.’

Vassar’s Democratic group was quick to respond. Group leader Mary Macarthy ’05 said, “We know exactly what we’re doing. We are strong and quick. We’ll make you come so hard you’ll bite your tongue off. Just ask Mary Cheney if you don’t think we’re doing it right.”

The planners said the event will still go on, regardless of the opposition. Reno encouraged students to “bring their galoshes and their best Edwards smile.”