Candidates' spouses debate at Vassar

Jacqueline Bouvier Presidential Spouse Correspondent

On Thursday, Vassar hosted a Candidates’ Spouses Debate between Laura Bush and Theresa Heinz Kerry. The event, the first of its kind, was moderated by Vassar alumni Lisa Kudrow and Ethan Zohn.

“We’re thrilled to have the debate held here at the historic home of women’s education,” said College Relations Executive Lee Radziwill. “It’s a really great opportunity for Mrs. Bush and Mrs. Kerry to get their messages out—and for the College to get a little publicity.”

Indeed, both goals were achieved on Thursday evening, when the Town Hall style debate was held in the Rose Parlor. Each woman was given three minutes to make a statement in favor of her husband. Mrs. Kerry spent the first minute of her opener chugging gin from an old ketchup bottle. She delivered a brief statement in Portuguese, then collapsed onto her podium. Mrs. Bush went next, opening by offering to lead the largely-unwilling crowd of Vassar students in a prayer to the “Prince of Peace,” then spoke in favor of fire-bombing Tehran.

Next, the floor was opened for questions from students. Topics ranged from environmental policy to post-post-feminist theory, but observers agree that the debate became most animated when the hot-button issue of gay marriage was addressed. When Laura Bush was asked how she felt about the prospect of same sex unions, she responded with an anecdote:

“It’s funny you should bring up the subject. I was playing the back nine of your lovely golf course earlier today, and wouldn’t you know it— I played right into a gay commitment ceremony. At least, I think it was a gay commitment ceremony. There didn’t seem to be very many people there. And that’s certainly not how I dressed for my wedding.”

The First Lady paused here and cleared her throat, visibly shaken by the memory. “At any rate, they seemed like nice boys; they even let me play through. I wish them the best and hope they vote Republican. But I stand by my husband when I say that God hates homosexuals.”

The room was overtaken by an uncomfortable silence until Mrs. Kerry was stirred by Ms. Kudrow. Asked about gay marriage, Mrs. Kerry lifted her head and responded, “Yes, thank you Phoebe, I’d love to.”

The Miscellany News star investigative reporter Sam Biederman followed up on the question, asking both women how their husbands can reconcile their open desire to collect gay votes without promising any substantial policy changes that would benefit gay Americans.

“I’ll take this one, Theresa,” Mrs. Bush said. “Go fuck yourself.”

“What do you think I’ve been trying to do for the past five years?” Biederman responded. He was escorted out of the room at once.

When the debate ended, the women greeted each other cordially and parted ways. Mrs. Kerry invited students to a reception in the Noyes Lounge “Passion Pit.” The theme, she said, would be “57 Varieties of Wild.”

Mrs. Bush appeared to have a characteristically private evening. After storming out of a poetry reading in protest when the word “thigh” was uttered, she disappeared into the night, only to show up on campus the next morning stepping out of an R.V.

Upon her arrival at Main Gate, Mrs. Bush explained her absence. “These two boys were kind enough to pick me up. I was so distraught after the poetry incident that I was just happy to see a friendly face. I didn’t even mind that their van smelled like skunks! And then I became so, so tired. At any rate, Raoul and Jon are welcome at the White House anytime.”

In all, Radziwill called the event a success. “Both women showed themselves to be intelligent, articulate, and interested in the American college experience. They were well-dressed, well-behaved, and both had a grand time here at Vassar, proving that the position of First Lady comtinues to ensure women an important role in American politics.”