The Talmud is a Jewish religious text in which Rabbis comment on a given passage from the Torah. The form of the Talmud (text in the center, commentary on the outside) allows for commentary on the commentary. In honor of Yom Kippur, the Backpage’s Jewish Life Correspondents, Sam Biederman, Teddy Bergman and Molly Finkelstein (all doubling this week as Rabbis) teamed up with our Gentile Life Expert, Lily Mooney to create a Talmudic reading of news of a recent revelation.

G-d Reveals Hurricane Plan
News broke out of the Shvitz on the Ritz Condominium Board meeting this morning as Sheldon Berkowitz, Board President and Supreme Mensch, revealed he had a stunning early morning conversation with G-d, the holy creator himself.

“He called this morning. Lovely Guy. He just wanted to clear a few things up,” Berkowitz told reporters on his way to the 3:30 p.m. first dinner seating at the Shvitz dining room. Apparently after identifying himself on the phone by listing Berkowitz’s social security number and combination on his luggage, G-d told Berkowitz not to worry because he had a good calling plan. He then proceeded to reveal the reason for this monumental conversation.

“Get the hint you Shmuck,” God told Berkowitz, “The reason for all these hurricanes—Frances, Hugo, Ivan, which, may I add, you all gave the most goyische names to, is to remind you incontinent old farts who to vote for. If you don’t cast your ballot for the California Rasin with the boat shoes, Shvitz on the Ritz will be smote by upcoming Hurricane Mendel. Enough with these hanging chads—it’s electronic now, so bring your bifocals, take an Aleve, and cut the mishegas.”

On G-d’s calling plan Rabbi Mooney wrote, “MCI has the best rates. I get a nickel a minute all over the country on weekends and it’s free every night after ten, but who talks after ten? I also get a deal on text messaging, but I’m an old woman—what do I know from text messages? I asked my grandson if it was e-mail and he just laughed at me. All I want to use my phone for is to talk and they charge me for who-knows-what?”

In response to Rabbi Mooney, Rabbi Schulman wrote, “You think that’s bad? I have a camera phone. What’s a camera phone?”

In response to Rabbi Mooney, Rabbi O’Malley wrote, “The family name used to be Cohen.”

On the signifigance of the name Berkowitz, Rabbi Bergman wrote, “I know Sheldon’s nephew from summer camp. He lives in Glencoe now and has a daughter who goes to Brown. Also, I dated his second cousin Miriam for a little while. Nice girl, still is. Plays golf on Wednesday at Northmoor out in Highland Park.”

In response to Rabbi Bergman Rabbi Finkelstein wrote, “No, those are the Chicago Berkowitzes you’re talking about. Sheldon’s a Jersey Berkowitz—used to live in Teaneck.”

In response to Rabbi Bergman Rabbi O’Malley wrote, “They changed their name back in Europe before they immigrated.”

On the meaning of the hanging chads, Rabbi Biederman wrote, ”The infamous hanging chads of the last election cycle are yet another illustration of how we have failed in our service to G-d. We were called upon four years ago to puncture our ballots completely in an act recalling the rite of circumcision. We didn’t do it and look what happened: war, destruction, Republicans. Call the Mohel.”

In response to Rabbi Biederman Rabbi Katherine Harris wrote, “The chads were supposed to hang.”

In agreement with Rabbi Biederman, Rabbi Bergman wrote, “You can stop looking— I know a guy. He’s a good friend, he’s been doing it for years, and he lives in Miami.

In response to Rabbi Biederman, Rabbi O’Malley wrote, “Seriously, The New York Times Magazine doesn’t lie.”